TOP SECRET CONSPIRACY

GEN-MODDED FOOD LEADS TO ARTIFICIAL(LY FLAVORED) INTELLIGENCE

• Posted: 03/09/09 By jfreedman
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Researchers at flavored snack giant Old Man Carls’s experimental genetic engineering food division have created a substance unlike anything seen before on this planet: a conscious, indestructible gelatinous mass originating from chemically altered food.

Old Man Carl’s is a flavored snack company with multiple levels of top secret food experimentation, and this story comes to us from a level shrouded by many layers of rumor, disinformation, and outright lies.  Nevertheless, several (genetic) strands have woven together to give us a relatively completely -- and totally bananas -- story.

A New Zealand company -- Orgostock -- shipped several mega bushels of genetically altered tomatoes to Old Man Carl’s.  These tomatoes were grown -- in test tubes -- to be particularly large, and resistant to ripening, spoilage, and battery.  We're talking tomatoes the size of soccer balls that could last a boat ride across the globe, then sit on a shelf for one year without losing a bit of firmness, flavor, or shine.

In an experimental program to develop a better snack food, Old Man Carl’s researchers proceeded to combine one of these tomatoes with a chemically altered ranch flavored desert topping.  This is where our intel falls apart a bit: why a ranch flavored desert item?  Why a tomato?

Whatever the answers may be, the results were undeniable.  Left to simmer in its own nefarious juices for seven days, the gelatinous mass began to move, not unlike a slime mold, across the factory floor.  And on the eighth day, it was hooked up to a computer terminal with wires and it solved a New York Post crossword puzzle.

One source -- who claims to be a disgruntled Old Man Carl’s manager fired from the project -- says that this mass has been named Project B, and that this experimental Project B is now quite large, disgustingly gelatinous, and impervious to any damage.  Project B has come to the attention of the military, and is considered to be a threat -- and considered by this reporter to be clear case of SCIENCE GONE CRAZY.